What happens in my head gets written in my blog…

currently in norwich stealing computier and intereneties…

 much fun. am bit confused by things back home at the moment but who knows!

I travelled from edinburgh to glasgow on wednesday for the footbal and stayed at sarah and mikes…the flat is looking really good at the moment. i am very jealous at how well they have made the flat look !
we thought the living room was rather small but its huge!

football was also rather amamzing…going to try and get back into this blogging thing, but i think i might make myself a new account and not tell anyone and then i can just write what i want and not care about it at all because atm i am a little too worried something i will say about how i am feeling might upset someone and we wouldnt want that!

xxxxx 

I haven’t posted for ages. There are many many reasons for this. One…probably because I don’t feel like I have anything that interesting or exciting to say atm…and two because i don’t need to.

I used to use my blog to talk about things, get feelings out…but atm i either dont have those feelings or i have friends to talk to about them.

i suppose the big news is i’m living in edinburgh now. Moved into a flat in brunstfield for the immediate future….

just got back from doctors…results are I have something wrong with the blood flow in right atrium? I think…or something… next step which he has started is to get a test called a Transoesophageal. echocardiogram (TOE) yay..I get a toe could be anytime in like next however many weeks/months… So…likely hood…is it will be during the fringe…fun for me. However only takes a day. So hopefully I will be able to alert PGP and take say 2 days off to travel back to chester area. should alll be ok…need to contact dr at hospital to inform him i am moving to eidnburgh end of september though….

so… it is almost 2 in the morning..and i can’t sleep. Those of you who actually know me..and I mean know me very well..will know what I get like when I lose something/misplace something… i worry far too much. at least i have the security of knowing i had taken all the photos of it very recently so havent lost anything. i wonder if it is at home..anyway..that is boring…no one wants to hear about that! so…update..and a proper one…what have I done since i last did a proper post??

I havent really posted throughout may…it has been an odd month. Felt bad because I just wasnt with it so cards to family for birthdays didnt happen…then i felt guilty…but it was all ok…
college has been going really well..and i have had some very good nights out. especially after laura found out she got in the RSAMD.it is odd how proud we all felt of her! the devised piece we are doing is being performed in the main entrance of the Urbis. will last about and hr and half, with music and god knows what else…family and friends should be allowed to come watch/walk in and out of the place. I will let people know sooner to the date! it looks like it’ll be a laugh.

all drama within flat has gone completely now. it is rather odd…but had led to some very good nights out as people can happily come back to flat etc, so at least one good thing came out of the trauma. have been trying very hard to keep things together. hasnt worked so well recently..and i am dreading the ball. I wanted to go to edinburgh happy, and relaxed and with the knowledge that i could come back to mugss over the next year and helpo out and enjoy it…but dont think i will be doing that which is a shame!

didnt want this to turn out emo but it is like 2am…and posts at this time often turn out that way.

i have been thinking an awful lot lately about where my life is headed and how i got there…yeah, i am only 20 blah blah, but so many significant things have happened to send me in different directions. but the whole edinburgh thing really does feel like it is where i am meant to be going finally…and with the likes of facebook and email i know the people who i actually care about will keep on contact etc. my aunt just tagged me in a photo on facebook…i was 13 in the photo….looking quite happy really…it is odd to think that was 7 years ago…

 i think it is time to stop ranting and go to bed..wonder if i will or not…

going home tomorrow with ma mia, we going to the zoo!!!!!!! shouldnt be this excited but i am!! a whole day at the zoo!!!

going to go straight there, then home over night then back…hopefully mystery camera will appear at home…if not i will cry…as many a night out soon and camera is needed…ie - THE BALL (not that im going…well..u so no i am but if i tell myself im not then i wont be dissappointed when i am made to feel like a cmoplete cow and hate myself for going!!!

x

went and re registered at doctors back home, going to be spending more time here etc…so it is just easier!

Well…Dr listened to heart etc…
and i defo have a murmur…rubbish…especially when he continues with yes. It is loud enough and ‘interesting’ enough to warrent a scan…great…so i get hooked up to a machine and a TV shows my heart pumping away!

according to doctor there are 3 possible causes…
1) Functional heart murmur…that is just the way my heart works and have had it all my life…he didnt seem convinced at this…this is the doctor i have seen since i was 4 years old!
2) hole in heart…only a small one mind (his words), but need to check to see how bigg/where etc….probably won’t effect me so much as I will have to take extra medication when going dentist etc to avoid infection in blood stream that hits heart…
3) one of my values over working/struggling….i didn’t like the sound of this one…but apparently treatment is basically same as above..

when asked how long it will take to get a scan on NHS…he almost laughed…will be a matter of months, as in 3plus…so…have decided to go private…reduces the hassel and means i dont have to pull out of PGP etc just yet!

still scared….because well…you know…big machine etc…but at least now i know it is getting checked!

I can’t believe how isolated I feel!

I am home for a few days, but without a car I can’t go anywhere or see anyone, which is driving me insane…not that any of my friends are around…they all at uni, but that is besides the point..

mum and dad are having people over today for sunday lunch…emma not invited…:( the point was it is parents of most of the people i went to school with etc…and they are all having dinner because none of the children are around…
well…I am now…at least mum said she will let me eat some of the food! she makes yummy food…

i also get to help cook it in a bit,
I got woken up this morning by cats fighting….went outside because it was sooooo bad….called charlie…he appeared..with a huge tail and blood all over his front paws…which looked rather bad because they are white normally!
anyway a second later a big grey cat that lives on the farm pounced on him…charlie is evil though he just swung round and battered the cat…

poor thing…I got charlie inside and locked him in….then made sure the other cat wasnt bleeding to death before sending him home…farm cats are scary things sometimes.

right…i should really go help do stuff…no doubt il be back on here soon though…should really be doing logboooks for college but its just too much hassle today, still not feeling great, have had worst headache for about 5 days now…still not gone…rubbish!

x

my faith in the human race has been restored…

Today I…

Got up and went to college…had to work with Marvin again…that was fun…
Before we all started Steph had looked at me though and literally dragged me out the room and asked me what was wrong…so I explained about the health exam thing etc…and about the friggin drama llamamamama. Steph seemed worried…but she opften does about me…

anyway…after lots of hugs and cuddles we decided I better actually do some work having been off college all week! So I had to act out my first date with MArvin…just before we started…I burst out crying..oh the joys…Marie took me into her office and asked what was up. It was horrible telling her because we tell her everything normally but i felt this was just a bit odd. anyway…we decided to sod the improv and just work from script…lets just say me acting a hurt depressed and down character rather than my up beat normal self was brilliant…I scared people though..but this is good.

We got our first chance to see some of the other groups as well…they are coming on really well!

After lunch it was working with Emma…I loved it. She is so nice. I missed quite a bit of the chracter creating yesterday…I am sure I will fill you in on characters over next few weeks! but..ME!

Emma - Carmel Russel (I own Carmels Cafe, and am also the brashy/slutty/over the top girlf of MR Prince….i also have affairs with his employees…thats always fun…

to get into character..I have to start taking intop college things she would wear…fun for emma…lol…I get the funnest dressing part…

there are some quality head fcku things going on with this piece, and i am a bit unsure about where it will go but we are taking it slowly and seeing what happens. i am struggling with the flirting with men thing atm…because i am meant to be doing it in a different way…hmm should be ok

ANYWAY!

TONIGHT WAS FAB!

I loved it so much, just a chance to forget about everything and just relax. We went for food…yum..saw sef while getting food and then rayen, I am much loking forward to seeing how the red and black hair turns out….

we then went walkies….salisbury…:) saw ben…i was going to say hello properly…but felt it was not the time…:)

then..more walking…down to scubar…where between 3/4 of us we finished off a fair few fish bowls….:) so currently feeling drunk and happy! Dad called…a lot…he is picking me up tomorrow at about 11am,,,need to go home for fun stuff! he officially signed on the bars today…it is a bit odd but cool at the same time…so there should be a fun night out in liverpool to be had. Going to see if I can take girlies from college over before we ‘graduate’ in june…lol…

i think it is a bit over the top that i get a proper graduation dress and all kind of thing from the town hall of all places! but it should be fun…I am meant to organise a meal out aftewards for everyone…!!!!!! we shall see…

anyway. was meant to be going over to leeds tomorrow to see holly…feel bad that i cant go. cause i now need to go to home and sort things out with mum and dad etc…

Right…I should really try and get some sleep at some point tonight!!! Can’t believe how tired I am…going to pack a bag and then perhaps watch a bit more grease/listen to joseph…:s…

night night all…

xxxx

I have created blog to talk about my LL journey..

might not blog here for about 100days…

http://lessthanemma.iblog.com

i dont get people sometimes…

they make no sense to me…are they complete nutters that they actually think the ENTIRE world revolves around them?